Courage, competence, and Jordan Peterson

March 2, 2021 by YY Leave a Comment

Who’s afraid of Jordan B. Peterson?

The far left, far right, and the “woke” crowd aren’t fans for sure.

Peterson has clashed with these folks on a variety of political and cultural issues. He shot to fame when he stood up against compelled speech. He lambasted the “pseudo-moralistic stances” of social justice activists. Also, who can forget that (in)famous interview he did with Cathy Newman?

Peterson is staunchly against identity politics and political correctness. He gets a lot of hate for being outspoken about his views. In fact, Peterson once remarked that he has been called almost every pejorative, except paedophile.

“Internet Dad”

At the same time, Peterson is a source of inspiration to millions of fans. Men and women alike. All over the world.

Peterson is a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology. He speaks about many of the challenges that modern society grapples with. Gender equality. Political polarisation. Anxiety and depression. Relationships with the opposite sex. Plus, so much more.

To fans, Peterson is an “Internet Dad”. He speaks from a deep well of knowledge and experience. He helps them successfully navigate the chaos and harsh realities of life. Peterson is also brutally frank about the moral failings he sees in people.

Failings that people know, in their hearts, are holding them back from achieving their full potential.

What Peterson taught me

I first came to know about Peterson from a friend. My friend had recently begun picking up his life, after drifting around aimlessly for years. He said that Peterson was an inspiration.

Intrigued, I looked Peterson up. I watched the Peterson-Newman interview and got even more intrigued. I borrowed his book, 12 rules for life, from the library and devoured it in two weeks. Then, I watched more YouTube videos of Peterson’s lectures and interviews.

A copy of 12 rules for life, by Jordan Peterson, that I got at the library.

Having read and watched a lot of Peterson, I’ve been thinking about what are my top takeaways from him. It’s hard to distil a few key learnings, from across Peterson’s vast body of lessons, but here’s what I’ve gleaned:

Peterson on suffering and failure

All humans are guaranteed a good dose of suffering. If suffering is not happening now, then it will, sooner or later.

Terrible suffering happens, even to good people. This harsh reality of life can be horrifying and unbearable. Enough to corrupt people, and drive them to nihilism, vengefulness, and suicide.

Sure, most people don’t react to suffering in such extreme ways. But Peterson observes that people often make their suffering worse by their ignorance and malevolence. They pursue impulsive pleasures, fritter their time away, refuse to grow up, and more.

But everyone knows, deep down, that they can’t escape the consequences of their moral failings.

They despair about their failure to seize the opportunities before them. They berate themselves for their uselessness. When they let their lives go off the rails, they know, all too well, that they’ve hurt the people who love them.

Peterson on meaning and responsibility

So, how should people respond to the suffering they face or the suffering they see around them?

Peterson’s recommendation is to “accept the terrible responsibility of life with eyes wide open.”

Rise above despair and the victim mentality. Voluntarily confront the undeniable suffering and harsh realities of life. People also need to acknowledge the moral failings that contribute to their suffering and see that they’re not where they could be.

Then, face the demands of life with courage. Find meaning by taking up responsibilities. These include building competence, becoming a reliable person, and caring for the self.

Meaning can also be found by answering the call to adventure and venturing out of comfort zones. In the course of adventure, one uncovers hidden potential within the self. Peterson is a huge believer in human potential. “The world needs you even if you don’t need it” he insists.

If that sounds like a lot of work, it is. A responsibility-free life is more tempting. But a responsibility-free life is never meaningful. It’s one impulsive pursuit after another, and ultimately, pointless.

So, start taking personal responsibility. The weightier the responsibility, the more meaningful and engaging life will be. Peterson is adamant that people take responsibility for their lives first, before they try to change the world.

Peterson on truth and courage

Towards the end of one interview, the journalist asked Peterson how he’d like to be remembered.

His response was a simple “as someone honest.”

Peterson considers honesty so important that he dedicated a chapter to it in his 12 rules for life book. That’s rule eight, “Tell the truth — or, at least, don’t lie”. My favourite rule.

The idea is to act in truth as far possible. Sure, it can be hard to know the truth for various reasons, like ignorance and confusion. But the least one could do is to avoid lying. Lying weakens the self. When people act in a way that is at odds with how they truly feel, or in a way that denies reality, they cannot solve challenges in an optimal way.

Peterson recommends that people articulate what they believe to be true as carefully as possible. Then, accept the outcome. “Assume that your truth, as lived and spoken, will produce the best possible outcome” he advises. “It’s an act of faith. But so is every other way of being.”

Being truthful takes courage. There is a risk of making someone upset or angry when they know the truth. There may even be social repercussions.

But acting in truth also produces good and order. Forthright communication about problems can heal relationships. When one is honest, people know that this is a person who can be counted upon during a crisis. “It’s better to live courageously than cowardly,” Peterson insists. “Better to live in truth than in deceit.”

What all these mean for me

After my exposure to Peterson, I noticed changes in my behaviour. I’m waking up earlier. I slack off less and have become more productive. There’s a stronger sense of purpose and fearlessness. I plan to keep at all these and do better.

Inspired by Peterson, I have also decided on my two themes of 2021: courage and competence.

To be courageous is to seek adventures that lie beyond my comfort zone and take on the challenges that I will inevitably confront. All while staying true and honest to myself.

Competence is honing my skills in the activities that are meaningful to me, especially my art. I want to level up my art and get recognised more. Competence is also about building myself up to be someone who can be trusted and relied on during difficult times.

It’s almost the end of February. One-sixth of 2021 is over, already. But I haven’t been idle; I’ve been setting goals for 2021 based on my two themes. I’ve taken action on some of these already and the results have been encouraging.

Thank you, Jordan B. Peterson. Congratulations on the launch of 12 more rules of life today, I can’t wait to read it! 😊

Go getter

March 31, 2020 by YY Leave a Comment

Being in the moment

Yasuko*

“When I first moved to Singapore, I went to a lot of meetups”, Yasuko told me.

“What sort of meetups?” I asked.

“Language exchanges. There were folks who wanted to learn Japanese, and Japanese speakers who wanted to brush up their English. I signed up for yoga classes. I went to bars. The people I met introduced me to more people. That’s how I expanded my social circle.”

We were at a rooftop bar near the Singapore Central Business District. The cityscape glittered and twinkled in the evening darkness. It was my first time up here and the view was just as beautiful as I thought it would be.

Yasuko and I met at a networking event a few years ago, at a different rooftop bar near the city centre. We’ve kept in touch since then. We’d catch up over food, watch movies, and talk about many things. I consider her a good friend.

*Not her real name

Dating

Three bartenders were in front of us mixing drinks and serving customers. One of them is Yasuko’s husband.

“I was the one who asked him out,” Yasuko said. “We met at the bar where he worked, and I gave him my number. But he didn’t call me for several days. I got mad and went to the bar to find him. He apologised and said that he was busy at work. ‘I don’t mind going out with you,’ he told me, ‘so long as you are not a player.’ I replied that I wasn’t a player. So, we dated, and eventually got married.”

“Wow, that’s an awesome story! I like how you were so proactive. Back when you were single, were you always the one who made the first move?”

“Yeah, I was! I’d tell guys who I was interested in something like, ‘hey, you’re cute, let’s go out together.’ I didn’t use dating apps. I preferred to meet people in person. Most guys would agree to go out with me, because it wasn’t common for ladies to ask guys out.”

“Do you get guys hitting on you?”

“Yep. But I prefer to be the one chasing after guys.”

“Really! Haven’t you ever had guys who turned you down?”

“Oh yeah. One or two.”

“How did you react?”

“I asked them if they were crazy.”

“Wait, what?! You told them that…?”

“Heh, I did. It was kind of rude of me. But that’s what I said.”

“Whoa…”

“You’re so bold. I’ve been rejected before, but my reaction was nothing like yours. I cried in front of the guy…”

“Oh no!”

I’ve never known a lady like her.

Career

Yasuko and I work in marketing, but we specialise in different marketing fields.

About a year ago, she went from focusing on running paid ad campaigns to a marketing data analytics role. Her employer enabled her job switch by sponsoring her training. Today, she oversees marketing data projects and reports to top management.

We talked about what it took to work in a niche role like hers.

She told me about how her new domain knowledge enabled her to automate repetitive tasks and make work processes more efficient.

Already, her skills had attracted the attention of headhunters. Even without actively looking for a job, she has headhunters representing some big brands seeking her out.

What does she want to achieve next at work?

“Work on something that can help increase the company’s bottom line.”

“Like, a revenue operations type role?”

“Yeah.”

I asked Yasuko if she had any big goals that she wanted to attain.

“I’ve been working in Singapore for several years now. Singapore has a great standard of living. But it’s also expensive to live here.”

She added, “More importantly, I don’t want to be too comfortable in one place. I feel like it’s about time for me to seek opportunities in another country.”

“Where would you like to work next?”

“I don’t plan to return to Japan anytime soon. Ideally, an English-speaking country with a decent sized international community. Perhaps Australia or Canada. Somewhere that has good opportunities for my husband and I.”

I felt happy for her, but a little sad too.

I would miss her so much if she did leave.

Forward

On our way to the train station, Yasuko told me, “You’ll be all right. You’re good enough. You just need a bit of courage.”

I smiled. “Yes, courage drives us forward.”

I couldn’t help but ask Yasuko, “Have you always been this bold since young?”

She laughed. “No, when I was little, I was super introverted. I enjoyed being alone and drawing in my free time. Kind of like you. My childhood was a peaceful one.”

We parted ways.

For the next few days after we met, I felt brave and optimistic.

My biggest takeaways from 2019

December 15, 2019 by YY Leave a Comment

Retreatant: I have a simple question. What is reality

Godwin Samararatne: At the moment, reality is just seeing, just hearing the sounds, just the breathing going on.

(From “Discovering Meditation”, by Godwin Samararatne)

What does it mean to be in the moment?

I realised this theme came up several times in my blog.

Like, the time I went on a solo day out in my home country.

There was also the time I held a cup of cold water in my hands and stood still, basking in the present.
Being in the moment was in my list of top 20 important things I learned in my twenties.

Come to think of it, it was implicit in last year’s birthday letter to myself. I didn’t write that letter to my past or future self, as many others had done. I wrote it to my present self.

Being in the moment means being in the reality of my present state. Observing the things going on around me. Feeling my breathing. Observing my thoughts: what are they? How do my thoughts interact with each other? What kinds of emotions and stories arise from these interactions?

It’s hard to let thoughts come and go, without reacting to them. Or passing any kind of judgement (“Why am I still feeling this way, I should have moved on by now?!”). Especially if there are all sorts of thoughts whirring through my mind. Thoughts that, if not handled well, can spiral into anxiety. Or worse, depression.

I’m still not a pro at this. But I try my best.

Therapy helped me understand myself better

If not for my ex-colleague’s encouragement, I would never have thought of going for therapy.

I thought that since I was not suicidal or hurting myself, I was fine. I figured I could handle everything myself.

But she convinced me otherwise.

So, for the first time in my life, I went for therapy this year.

Therapy helped me be more aware of the emotions running through my mind. I learned to pause and ask myself “what am I feeling right now?”. Then, “OK, what triggered this feeling?” Followed by, “what can I do about this?” I learned to ask these questions of myself gently, without judgement.

Last month, I asked my therapist, “You’ve known me for a few sessions now. Tell me, what’s my problem? Was I truly depressed?” She replied, “What you struggle with, is that you get so anxious about things.”

She’s right. My thoughts tend to get blown out of proportion in my head. It might start with say, a rejection. The rejection whirls around my head, turning into something like, “I’m not good enough.” “I’m ugly.” Or worse, “I’m cursed.” Then I feel depressed and withdraw from people.

I still go for therapy, but less frequently as I can handle myself better now. I don’t expect to be “cured” for good. My ex-colleague told me that depression is like the flu, it comes and goes. The important thing is that I am more mindful of my thoughts and have better control over how I react.

The key to managing difficult emotions

… is to not suppress them.

My best friend, who is a clinical psychologist, taught me this a few years ago. Therapy reinforced it several times.

But Morrie Schwartz from Tuesdays with Morrie has the best explanation:

If you hold back on the emotions – if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them – you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.

But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what the pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, ‘All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.’

…

Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won’t hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, ‘All right, it’s just fear, I don’t have to let it control me. I see it for what it is.’

Kindness and compassion

My mental health struggles helped me recognise that everyone is fighting their own inner battles. Even if they seem cheery and easy going on the surface. Even if they seem to have the perfect life. Even if they are way more experienced and worldly than me.

When I started sharing with a few friends and colleagues about my depression, no one reacted with shock or disgust. In fact, everyone either had been through depression themselves, or know someone who did.

Depression is nothing to be ashamed about. Everyone struggles, and sometimes, the struggles can be too much to bear. Some people are lucky to have loved ones who help them through their pain, others cope with their pain in their own ways. I’ve learnt not to be too hasty in judging. I try to give everyone the benefit of doubt and assume good intentions.

***

2019 was the year I decided to take concrete action to help myself. Therapy was a big action. But there were the little yet important things too, like standing still to soak up the present. Becoming kinder to the people around me.

Self-care is an ongoing journey. I planted the seeds in 2019, and I look forward to the blossoming that 2020 and beyond will bring.

Negotiation for absolute terrified beginners

June 30, 2019 by YY Leave a Comment

Never Split The Difference is one of my favourite books

I lost a friend and mentor over a failed negotiation.

I was out of work then and turned to him for help. It so happened that he was looking for folks to write a large number of landing pages for a major marketing campaign. I was happy to contribute, but hesitant about one thing: the low pay. So, I tried to negotiate.

It didn’t go well.

I mangled the bargaining part, because I was such a noob.

He thought I should be grateful for the work opportunity. “Don’t you ever ask me for help again” he messaged. Then he blocked me on WhatsApp.

BOOM.

I never expected the conversation to blow up in my face like that. It hurt so much, coming from someone I once held in high regard.

After the dust settled, I realised that I needed to double down on my negotiation skills. If I want to strike out on my own someday, I must be comfortable with taking on negotiations of all kinds. I could save more deals from going bust.

Friendships, too.

Negotiation is “communication with results”

I learnt that from former FBI hostage negotiator Christopher Voss.

Life is a series of negotiations. Anytime we want something from someone, we go into a negotiation. With our family, our friends, our colleagues, our lovers, our business partners, our customers, our employers, our spouses, our sponsors, etc. There’s no escape!

To improve my negotiation prowess, I studied a lot about the art of negotiation from as many greats as I can. Besides Voss, I’ve learnt a ton from these folks too:

- Marshall Thurber, mentor to the likes of Tony Robins, Robert Kiyosaki, and Jay Abraham
- James Altucher, writer-entrepreneur-podcast host whose blog I enjoy reading
- Jennifer Dziura, Founder of Bullicorn whose blog helped me through some dark days

Today, I can’t say I’m a pro negotiator who closes deals without breaking a sweat. But I am MUCH more confident about how to approach and handle a negotiation.

So here are the five most important and powerful negotiations tips I’ve learnt so far. Distilled from my negotiation mentors’ teachings, plus some personal experiences of what works (and doesn’t).

Pre-tip: Don’t be terrified about negotiating

It’s a pre-tip because none of the five will work if the very thought of negotiation scares you.

First, like I said, there’s no escape.

Second, there’s not much to be afraid of. What’s the worst that can happen? How often is that “worst” something catastrophic?

Third, don’t worry about having enough experience or the right personality. Who you are is enough.

It’s OK to feel nervous, but don’t let the idea of negotiation petrify you. You can do it!

Moving on …

Tip #1: Be an “empthor”

“Emptor”: empathy + authority ~ Marshall Thurber

Many people fall into the trap of focusing on what they want and how to get it. They make themselves the star of the negotiation. Wrong! Make the other party the star. Show empathy.

You don’t have to agree with their beliefs or values. But you should listen to them and acknowledge their situation. That’s how you build trust and rapport, which are key to successful negotiations.

And authority? Articulate your value and wisdom with confidence. Demonstrate how you can help your counterpart achieve their goals. Thurber cited Yoda as a model example. You want to be the knowledgeable mentor who grooms your Luke Skywalker for greatness.

In short, give respect while giving people reason to respect you.

What to say:

Ask questions about your counterpart in a curious, friendly, and non-judgmental manner
Voss said that the best questions to ask are “what” and “how” questions. E.g. “how can we make this work” and “what about this is important to you”

Marshall Thurber, Peter Lee, and I — Marshall Thurber is the tall bloke in the middle. That’s me on the left, and my pal on the right.

Tip #2: Shut up and practice “partinence”

“Partinence”: participation + silence ~ Marshall Thurber

Related to the above point about showing empathy.

It’s hard to empathise when you keep trying to put across your point of view. Learn to keep silent as your counterpart speaks, and stay quiet while waiting for a response. But silence is not an excuse to tune out. Participate 100% in the negotiation by staying sharp and nimble.

When done right, “partinence” helps you build stronger emotional connections with your counterpart.

What to say:

Nothing
Instead, do these: detect clues to your counterpart’s worldview, assess motivations, and observe unguarded moments
Squirrel away all the key information you pick up; you might have to revisit or address these later

Tip #3: Be brave about bargaining

“If no one ever says no to your rates, you’re undercharging” ~ Jennifer Dziura

Ah, bargaining. The inevitable money talk where so many folks stumble.

Too often, in a bid to avoid conflict, or in the face of conflict, we make awkward compromises. Like meeting in the middle: I want to sell at $1,000, you want to buy at $500, let’s settle with $750. Others bungle the whole thing up and lose friends, like me.

Break through the fear and embrace bargaining. In fact, Voss said “conflict is often the path to great deals” – for both you and your counterpart. When done in an honest and respectful manner, all parties should feel satisfied and confident about the deal.

So, prepare well for bargaining. It’s not just learning everything you can about your counterpart or putting up a strong case for what you want. Also learn how to take punches, like outright rejection or aggressive tactics. Often, it’s the emotional stuff that trip us up, so stay calm, sharp, and adaptive.

What to say:

If your counterpart throws out an extreme number: Get them to reveal more. Voss recommended asking “how?” questions e.g. “how do I go along with the number you suggest when my industry peers are paid $X?” or “we don’t have that $Y, how can we raise that much?”
If your counterpart accuses you of dishonesty by saying something like, “I’ve given you a fair offer”: don’t let the F-word rattle you. Voss advised saying “Fair?” back at them. Silence. Then say, “It seems like you’re ready to provide the evidence that supports that”
If your counterpart gives you a tight deadline: don’t rush or you might make reactive decisions. Altucher recommended saying “Let me go over all of this. It’s a lot to take in. I’m really grateful for the offer. How about we talk in a day or so.” Your counterpart needs you as much as you need them. Otherwise, no deal!

Tip #4: Have a bigger list that includes non-monetary terms

“The side with the bigger list of terms wins. Because then you can give up the nickels in exchange for the dimes” ~ James Altucher

It’s not just about money.

What are the other terms and conditions? Any non-monetary benefits that are easy for your counterpart to give, but valuable to you? Work these out and include them in the deal!

Voss once accepted a training gig at a lower-than-usual rate because the client agreed to also do a cover story of him for their magazine. The magazine went out to a list that included industry bigwigs, so the feature was an excellent publicity opportunity.

What to say:

If negotiating a salary, also ask: what’s the non-compete, vacation leave policy, flexible working hours, sabbaticals, career growth opportunities, etc.
If negotiating freelance work, also ask: opportunities for future work, referrals to other clients, how many iterations of work, payment terms, cancellation policy, etc.

Tip #5: Don’t hope for only one outcome

“If you can’t walk away from a negotiation then you aren’t negotiating. You’re writing out the terms of your slavery” ~ James Altucher

Harsh but true!

Of all the negotiation advice I’ve received, this is my favourite. It’s also one of the top life lessons I learned in my twenties.

Never be needy, and never be aggressive. Both make you look desperate. Would you like to do business with, or enter into a relationship with, a desperate person?

Walk away from a negotiation if you have to. All the pros I’ve quoted in this post put strong emphasis on this.

Sometimes, I meet someone who thinks win-lose. Or I get a bad feeling about how a partnership or venture might turn out. In such situations, I have no qualms about declining the offer. Nothing personal.

By bowing out, I save everyone a lot of pain, tears, and bitterness further down the road.
Also, there are always other better deals that I can make!

What to say:

Walk away, but don’t burn bridges. Say “I’m afraid that does not work for me” or “Sorry, it’s not possible for me to move forward at that rate”. And no, saying “sorry”, does not make you look weak
Don’t get personal if something does not work out. Voss said it best: “The person across the table is never the problem. The unsolved issue is. So focus on the issue.” Don’t say things that might come back and bite you in the ass
ALWAYS keep your options open. Work on your goal, but also stay open to other wonderful opportunities around you

Negotiating your way to success

I wrote about negotiation because I realised that there are many out there who want to learn how to “communicate with results”. There’s a lot of information out there but it’s hard to know where to start. Or what advice is worth listening to.

That’s why, for this post, I turned mostly to successful pros who’ve been in the trenches before. The tips I’ve got here have been consistent across a lot of negotiation literature I’ve read.

I still think of the friend and mentor I lost over that botched negotiation.

Sure, I could have bargained in a more effective way. But I’m also sad that my friend took it as a personal affront that I did not go with his price, and then cut me out of his life.

Negotiation is much more dynamic and emotional than we realise. Everyone is trying to survive, trying to keep up with a fast-changing world, trying to get the best for themselves and the people they love.

That doesn’t mean we leave things to chance and hope.

We actually have more influence than we realise, even if it seems like the odds are against us. So, go forth and negotiate! You might end up receiving more than you asked for.

I’ll leave you with some final words of wisdom from Voss:

“Every negotiation, every conversation, every moment of life, is a series of small conflicts that, managed well, can rise to creative beauty.”

Don’t you want a life that is rich in creative beauty?

What was the point of all that studying, anyway?

February 28, 2019 by YY Leave a Comment

My friends and I goofing around during our school days — A happy memory from my school days

I asked myself this while spring cleaning the other day.

I had this big pile of study notes. Notes from about ten years ago. As I ripped those notes up and binned them, I couldn’t help scanning through them.

Balance of payments?

Positive and negative externalities?

Logarithms?

The stuff I was trying so hard to learn back then seem like a world away from my life now. To think that I used to worry and stress over these! A lot of my notes were in the form of colourful mind maps, with little cartoon characters and comics. I made my notes as visual and fun as possible so that I could learn better.

After every national exam, some students had gatherings where they burned heaps of study notes. No need for all that content any more, time to scatter them into the wind!

I never took part in any of those gatherings. Somehow, I hung on to a bunch of notes for about ten years, and only got rid of them this month.

Stress and the Singapore education system

Growing up in Singapore, and doing most of my education there, I was stressed.

So many of us were.

About the national exams. Getting into good universities. Balancing school work with co-curricular activities. Etc.

Somehow, I managed to have a life, while keeping up with the demands of school. I didn’t have terrible grades, but I was no straight A scholar either. Pretty average, really.

One time, I asked my Ma, what was the point of studying so hard and doing well in the exams? Especially since a large chunk of what I learned is useless to me now.

She said that the point was to get to the next stage of the education journey. Work hard in primary school, pass the primary school national exams, and get into a good secondary school. Repeat for subsequent stages, up until graduation.

Well, OK.

But couldn’t I have progressed from one stage to another, without so much blood, sweat, and tears shed along the way?

Studying and school did not have to be so stressful

I realised this when I went to university. I did four years of university overseas. Three and a half years in Australia, and a half year student exchange in the United Kingdom.

Outside Singapore, I flourished for the first time.

I went from being an average student to appearing on the Dean’s list almost every semester. In the end, I graduated with a First Class Honours in International Relations. All that without studying too hard!

Sure, we had assignments and exams in university. But the overall atmosphere was more laid back, so we chilled out a lot too. I had time to travel around, explore hobbies, watch anime, hang around with friends, and all that fun stuff. I also truly enjoyed the subjects I studied.

“You guys who went overseas to study always come back looking happy and relaxed”, my high school form teacher told me when I visited her. “On the other hand, my ex-students who went to local universities tell me they feel stressed there.”

Skills trump content

Today, no one will ever ask me when was the Treaty of Westphalia signed.

Or name the top three factors that led to the collapse of the Soviet Union.

Or explain the Spiral of Silence theory.

90% of the content I worked so hard to remember and regurgitate for the exams is useless to me today.
Useless, but I wouldn’t say I wasted my life learning all that. Over the years, random bits of information, from the Law of Diminishing Marginal Returns to gentrification to how oxbow lakes form, amalgamated to form a substantial general knowledge.

I can say that I know quite a bit about the world around me. But I can’t say that this knowledge helped me a lot in my day to day life, or helped me chart my future.

The skills I picked up over the years, on the other hand, proved far more useful. My four-year Bachelor of Arts honed my skills in research, long form writing, developing and presenting my own point of view, critical thinking, and working independently. As a marketer at a startup, all these are invaluable skills to have.

The real problem with education in Singapore

An obsession with goals and outcomes.

Everyone wants to get into “good” schools and get “good” jobs upon graduation. In a high income inequality country like Singapore, there is intense pressure to achieve a lot and get ahead.

Students worry about being “good” enough. Parents wring their hands over the competition and try to give their kids as much advantage as possible. Teachers face pressure to produce results and teach to the tests. The tuition industry is worth more than S$1 billion annually.

Sure, there has been some major policy changes that aim to shift the focus away from grades and exams. Lots of talk about fostering holistic development. Giving students the freedom to discover themselves. Multiple pathways to success.

BUT.

I do not think that students today are less stressed than back when I was a student.

In fact, students today face stress on multiple fronts, not just achieving academic excellence. The bars to getting into “good” schools and “good” jobs right after graduation are higher. Students are now expected to do several of these if they want to stand out

Demonstrate leadership and project management skills
Do community or social work
Be active in sports, arts, or any co-curricular activity. Bonus points for representing Singapore at regional or international competitions
Have international experiences
Do internships
Etc.

Education in this country is as goal-oriented as ever. It’s just that the criteria for getting into “good” schools and “good” jobs have diversified.

Don’t forget to enjoy the journey of life

Can’t a student lie low and do their own things, at their own pace, and not be such … high achievers?

When I was in university, I picked all the subjects I wanted to study and enjoyed learning everything. I was not actively involved in co-curricular activities, but I explored various interests. I did one internship and that was good enough for me. No pressure to achieve so much. I left university without a stellar curriculum vitae or portfolio, but enriched as a human being.

Goals are important, sure. But I don’t want to live and die by them. I want to enjoy my growth, because a lot of magic and beauty happens along the way. I can’t miss any of that.

I sure am glad I am no longer a student studying in Singapore.

Would you rather be in the arena or up in the stands?

October 30, 2018 by YY Leave a Comment

Can I hire you to make money for me

My friend Sam received this message a few years ago. Sam’s a veteran Internet marketer, who’s been at it for over 10 years. I got to know him from joining the 3000+ strong Singapore Internet Marketers community he runs.

He shared a screenshot of this inquiry with us community members. We had a good laugh at the person’s audacity.

What, did they think they could shortcut the road to riches by hiring someone to do all the money-making legwork and brain-work?!

What were they going to do in the meantime, sit back, relax, and enjoy life?!

Sam said it is not uncommon to run into folks like that. Folks who are too passive about learning, who want “passive income” without investing the tremendous effort needed to build and sustain it.

***

But I somewhat understand why someone might be averse to learning.

Learning is hard. Very hard.

You need so many things to succeed. Discipline, consistency, hard work, perseverance, drive, no fear of failure, resourcefulness, etc. Have ALL of that going for as long as it takes to reach the level of proficiency you want. Which may take a longer time than anticipated.

Then there is always The Resistance. A kind of fear that tends to get stronger the deeper and longer you work on something. If you are not careful, it could drag you down into the pits of depression, stress, isolation, and more.

No wonder so many people barely go beyond the basics. When you dive deep, things can get intense.

***

“It’s better to be in the arena, getting stomped by the bull, than to be up in the stands or out in the parking lot.” ~ Steven Pressfield

Ugh.

I’ve been there before, many times. Face in the dirt and tears streaming out of my eyes. A bull stomping on my back. FAILURE!!!

Each time, I pick myself up, lick my wounds, and live to fight another day. Somehow.

Learning is a big part of my life. Particularly after I graduated from university, entered “the real world”, and flunked more times than I dare to admit. All that naivete got stomped out of me pretty quick.

Often, I get thrown into the thick of the action and left to navigate my way around the arena. There’d be no one to advise me (or worse, people tried to trip me up). Nothing to rely on but my wits and resourcefulness.

But the arena was also where I forged a voracious learning spirit. You can’t thrive in the arena if you are not nimble and eager to learn. Over time, I embraced learning as something necessary yet fun and fulfilling. I now spend a lot of free time on activities that keep my mind sharp, like daily drawing and writing.

As hard as life in the arena can be, I wouldn’t trade it for life up in the stands or parking lot, ever.

The arena is where growth happens. I want to grow. All kinds of amazing opportunities bloom around me as I grow.

***

Confession: I still get scared almost every time I face a new challenge and have to learn from scratch.

What if I’m not good enough? What if I embarrass myself? What if I fail?

Yep, as hard-boiled as I like to believe I am, I still get bouts of Imposter Syndrome.

But that’s OK. One of my senseis, Colin Theriot, said that Imposter Syndrome doesn’t ever go away and can in fact increase the more successful you get. The trick is to push past it and get things done.

So, I take a deep breath, muster all the courage I can get, and plunge into things. Do my best to see them to the end. I tell myself that whether I succeed or fail, I would have learnt lessons. Therefore, the experience is never a waste.

Two things have always helped me learn faster and better:

Consistency. Working on something regularly (preferably daily) lessens the scary-ness. I also inevitably get better over time.

Have a clear purpose before starting any new endeavour. Why do I want to learn this thing, and what do I hope to achieve? For example, when I learnt video marketing, I just wanted to pick up the basics and get comfortable speaking in front of the camera. Whereas for manga drawing, I want to dive deep beyond basics and be as good as the professional artists I follow on Instagram.

***

I wonder what happened to that person who wanted to outsource the money-making hard stuff to Sam.

Possibly still figuring out how to have “passive income” without all that pesky learning. After all, if they succeeded in making money without effort, I’d have heard of them by now. The Internet marketing and entrepreneur communities in Singapore are not big.

I hope they’d come around and embrace learning. Sure, it can be hard, painful, and it never truly ends. But there are no growth or riches without learning.