YY

Not your average writer

Birthday 2019: 20 lessons I learnt in my twenties

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My 2019 birthday

(No, not today. But yes, I was born in April!)

In many ways, my twenties sucked.

I had a rockier start to my career than many of my peers. Then things continued to stay rocky up until my current company. I got depressed. People exploited me. I fell out with some people. Rejection, rejection, rejection.

Sometimes, I hated everyone and everything. I’d retreat into my world of anime, art, and books.

Yet.

I grew up so much in my twenties. Mainly because I was forced to by circumstances. I was stupid and naïve at the start. Much less so now.

I’d like to think that I am hard-boiled. That I have gone through enough to be able to face anything with boldness and swag.

Then I feel scared and vulnerable again. I realise that there is still a lot about the world that I don’t know, that I will always be a work in progress.

My twenties were tumultuous. But I learned a lot and became a stronger, worldlier, and kinder person. For that, I am thankful.

ON CAREER

1) Take ownership of my career

What sort of training do I need? Do I want to go deeper into a field, make a lateral move, or go upwards to become a manager? Are there any skills I can develop outside work, on my own, that will help me in the long run?

It’s up to me to chart the way forward. If it means pivoting in a new direction, or moving on to seize a better opportunity, so be it.

2) Done is better than none

I used to try to perfect my work as much as possible. Only to bust my deadlines, pissing off the people who were waiting for my submission.

Now, I do my best but make sure I submit on time. Even if I feel that the work could be better. A deliverable, no matter how incomplete or shoddy, can always be improved on. But nothing can be done with … nothing.

3) Learn how to “manage up”

I sucked at this at the start of my career. I thought doing as my bosses said would make them happy with me. Turns out things are way more complicated than that.

Managing up means helping the bosses do their jobs well. It includes things like anticipating their needs, being proactive, and providing solutions not problems. Knowing how to manage up has saved my ass on numerous occasions.

4) The working world is brutal (but I’m not powerless)

I’ve experienced bullying. Gaslighting. Nasty politics. Unfair dismissals. A two-faced team mate who was supposed to be my work buddy.

All these are common in the working world, unfortunately. I’ve heard many similar tales from friends.

But I am not powerless. This is why it’s important to take ownership of my growth and skills. So that if shit hits the fan, I have no qualms about moving on to better places.

5) No one is truly “ready”

I didn’t feel ready to take on project management responsibilities. But I had to.

I didn’t feel ready to do public relations for the startup I work for, especially since I failed at PR years ago. But I had to.

Etc.

Many times, I’ve felt like an imposter or fraud at work.

But I realise that no one is truly “ready”. Circumstances and organisations change, and we just have to step up and take on new challenges. That’s the only way to grow.

ON RELATIONSHIPS

6) Have higher expectations of myself, lower expectations of others

Sometimes, I feel so disappointed with others. Why aren’t you happier about this?! Why didn’t you do that?! Etc.

But I can’t control how people think, feel, behave, etc. Sometimes, they have reasons for doing what they did. Reasons that may have nothing to do with me.

What I can control, are my own thoughts, feelings, and behaviour. So, instead of always reacting to other people, I focus on being a better self.

7) NO neediness

“If you can’t walk away from a negotiation then you aren’t negotiating. You’re writing out the terms of your slavery” ~ James Altucher

Neediness is unattractive. More importantly, a needy person is easy to exploit. Sure, there were times when I wanted something so bad. But I would never accept a deal that demanded so much of me, but nothing or too little from the other party.

ALWAYS be prepared to walk away from someone or something.

8) Sincerity (rather than authenticity) is attractive

In recent years, authenticity has become an ideal. “Be yourself, everyone else is taken”. “Be a first-class version of yourself and not a second-class version of someone else”. Etc.

Nothing wrong with authenticity per se. But …

… what if your authentic self is a nasty, douchebag-y piece of shit?

I reckon it is better to be sincere. Sincerity is honesty that comes from the heart, not some sense of “this is who I am, take it or leave it.”

9) Everyone is fighting their own battles (part one)

Haunted by trauma from the past. Troubled by their present circumstances. Or scared of a future they have little control over.

But often, it’s hard to tell by looking.

I try to tell myself that most people are not nasty by default. What they do or say to me may not even be personal. They could just be struggling with some hurt, worry, insecurity, anguish, fear, sorrow, etc. that I don’t know about.

So, be kind. Judge less. Have empathy and compassion. Listen.

10) Make human connections (even if I am an extreme introvert)

At times, I have zero desire to interact with people. I’m still healing from the darkness I went through, and I’m scared of getting hurt again.

But shutting myself off from the world is no way to live. At some deep level, despite everything, I still want to make human connections.

So, I talk to them, listen to them, learn about them. Look into their eyes and then … magic.

ON (MENTAL) HEALTH

11) It’s not healthy to feel under siege all the time

Over the years, many people hurt me or let me down. Over the years, I developed a siege mentality against attempts, real or perceived, to take advantage of me.

I became hyper-sensitive. Paranoid. Short-tempered. I told myself that any attempts to “hurt” me should be resisted twice as hard.

These days, I am better at managing this siege mentality. I understand that not everything is about me, all the time. I understand that I am not the only one out there who still feels vulnerable and afraid.

12) This, too, shall pass

I thought no one would hire me after I left the civil service, and that I would drift around aimlessly for the rest of my career.

I thought I was “cursed” when it came to jobs, because I left one job after another on a bad note. Dissatisfied at best, or mentally scarred at worst.

I thought that after he left, I would never get over him. I kept wondering if there was some way we’d meet again.

But, somehow, I got over them all.

13) Everyone is fighting their own battles (part two)

A close mate dealt with her pain by drinking five consecutive vodkas, and then threw it all up.

A couple of folks I know tried to commit suicide.

A friend was so sad that she cut herself. The scars remain visible on her arms today.

Many of the people who I thought were tough and strong turn out to have some kind of hidden hurt.

We need to talk about mental issues like depression and PTSD more openly, and with less judgement.

14) A burden shared is a burden halved

I read this advice in a book many years ago. It saved my life many times since.

I tend to think too much about my problems, until they get blown out of proportion. Talking to someone helps to put things in perspective.

Next month, I am finally going to see a therapist about my mild depression. On the advice of a friend who had depression. She said she wanted me to get better so that I could realise my full potential.

ON PERSONAL GROWTH

15) Creativity is a superpower that can be honed

Lots of folks think that a creative streak is something people are born with.

I say nay.

Creativity is like a muscle; it gets stronger through consistent training and practice.

I want creativity to be one of my superpowers. So, since 2017, I make it a point to do something creative every day. I write, either for work or for this blog. I draw, so that I can be as good as the professional manga artists I admire.

16) Do my best, surrender the rest to the universe

I have a little prayer that I say often, while staring into the depths of the night:

“Thank you for all the good things that happened so far. I’m grateful, and I’ll continue to do my best.”

I do what I can to succeed: learn, practice, seek help, etc. These are the things within my control.

The rest?

I surrender the results to the universe, and trust that everything will work out all right in the end.

17) Consistency is the key to growth

James Altucher said that for whatever it is I am passionate about, improve at it at least 1% a day. Because,

“1% per day, compounded, equals 3800% per year.”

So, I make it a point to show up every day to write and draw. At least 25 minutes (one Pomodoro) worth of effort. Sometimes, I don’t feel like it and have to force myself to. Sometimes, I dislike the output and I despair.

But, over time, all that effort truly made a difference.

18) “The first hour of the day belongs to you”

This advice came from Ben Settle.

He said that early mornings are when you have the most energy and enthusiasm. So, spend that precious time on your personal projects. Then you can tackle other commitments like your job. By the end of the day, you’ll feel great about making progress towards your goals.

I’ve been doing this for a couple of years. It’s how I find time to be consistent with my goals.

19) Enjoy the process, don’t focus so much on outcomes

Lost in life? Keep going. The mere act of moving forward towards something is powerful, because motion sets off discovery, growth, and change.

I remind myself that the present is all I have. So, enjoy the journey. Watch what happens out of the corners of my eyes. See what blooms along the way forward. Discover (or rediscover) things about myself.

One day, I might find a more worthy or fulfilling purpose than the one I originally sought.

AND FINALLY,

Number 20:

Realise that, in many ways, I am incredibly lucky.

I am lucky to be born in a safe country. To have a family that loves me and supports me. To have friends that care about me and I can count on them. To be in good health. To have come this far in life, despite some serious setbacks, and have reasons to look forward to the future.

In the grand scheme of things, I haven’t done too badly.

All I have to do is keep going forward, with an open mind and heart.

Happy birthday, YY 😊

5 virtual mentors who influenced me

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Five virtual mentors who inspired me

I would not have gotten this far in life if not for the people who helped me out, in one way or another, along the way.

Friends, colleagues, family, seniors, and even strangers. Some I’ve known since childhood. Others were in my life for a short while, and then we went our separate ways. Folks from various walks of life and nationalities.

But there were also people who I have never met before and don’t know personally. People who live far away from me. Somehow, I stumbled on their works on the Internet and have followed them since.

They live lives that I respect and aspire to. Through their stories and teachings, I gained a wealth of knowledge. Knowledge that I can’t get from my immediate environment because no one I know has done what they’ve done.

When I implemented what I learned, my life changed. New possibilities bloomed all around me.

Here are five virtual mentors, all highly active for years and still living, who shaped me for the better:

James Altucher

James Altucher wears many hats. Podcaster, writer, investor, entrepreneur, chess master, etc.

I enjoy James’s writings best. He muses a lot on creativity, entrepreneurship, mental health, and other personal development topics. Anything that helps people navigate the ebbs and flows of a fast-changing world.

Many of James’s ideas have changed my perspectives. “Choose yourself” taught me to empower myself in many areas of life. “Be an idea machine” taught me that generating good ideas is a trainable skill. “Creativity is a muscle” inspired me to nurture creativity and turn it into a superpower.

So much of James’s thinking was shaped by his mistakes and personal failures. He’s lost all his money, got divorced, fell out with friends, and more. He shares all these in excruciating detail, plus the lessons we can learn from them. It is so rare to find an influential person who is as open as James.

I want to write as beautifully and sincerely as James does. I want my words to move people and help them too.

Christopher Voss

Christopher “Chris” Voss was an ex-FBI hostage negotiator for decades. Today, he teaches people around the world how to negotiate, based on his FBI experiences.

I first learned about Chris from a podcast he did with James Altucher. It was such a fascinating and enlightening podcast that I borrowed Chris’s book, “Never Split the Difference”, from the library. The book is chockfull of stories from the FBI hostage negotiation trenches and lessons that can be applied to many areas of life.

In a nutshell, this is how I’d describe Chris’s approach to negotiation:

Negotiation is not about outsmarting the other party, not about compromising, not even about seeking win-win.

Instead, negotiation is about recognising and solving problems together. “Every negotiation … is a series of small conflicts that, managed well, can rise to creative beauty.”

And if the other party insists on their way no matter what? Say “Sorry, it’s not possible for me to move forward at that rate” and walk away.

This perspective has not just changed the way I negotiate, but improved my communication skills as a whole.

I’m going to publish a blog post that will cover the best negotiation tips I’ve learned, including some gems from Chris. Stay tuned!

Jennifer Dziura

During some of the darkest periods of my life, I read a lot as a means to escape mentally. One of the blogs that I sought solace in was Jennifer “Jen” Dziura’s website, Get Bullish. Jen is an entrepreneur, educator, speaker, and writer, who shares plenty of “aggressive lady advice”.

Through Jen, I got my first exposure to a lot of concepts that I now live by:

The importance of having multiple streams of income.

The value of building a diverse skill set.

Being kind to my future self and setting her up for success.

Etc.

Like James Altucher, Jen is not afraid to talk about her failures and what we can learn from them. She, too, has gone through some serious shit, such as bankruptcy. Yet, she overcame serious odds and bounced back stronger and wiser. That was tremendously inspiring and comforting for me.

Jen is still a busy lady today and her blog isn’t updated as often as before. But her old blog posts are timeless advice and once in a while, I pop in to re-read and refresh my knowledge.

Colin Theriot

Colin is an experienced copywriter, copy coach, and founder of “The Cult of Copy” Facebook group. I got to know about him thanks to a recommendation by my (not virtual) mentor Sam Choo.

Nearly everything I know about how to write strong copy, I learnt from Colin. Colin has a resource called The Cult of Copy Vault, which houses every copywriting training he has done. I bought lifetime access to the Vault and the lessons in there are GOLD. So many persuasion tips and tricks that I can apply to my marketing work and everyday life.

I also follow Colin because he is a deep yet entertaining writer. He writes on various subjects, from business to creativity to literature. Here’s Colin on how to overcome imposter syndrome:

“Everyone sucks. You can be a person who sucks and doesn’t even do anything. Or you can be a sucky person who at least makes something useful. That’s how I look at it.

Impostor syndrome doesn’t ever go away. In fact, it can INCREASE with more success. So just learn to tell it to go sit in the corner and shut up and then do the work anyway.”

Neil Fontaine

Neil is my figure-drawing sensei.

He runs a Udemy course on figure drawing, which I am currently doing so that I can take my manga drawing to the next level.

Figure drawing is hard, let me tell you! So many details to remember, from anatomy to proportions to how the body looks at different angles. Neil insists that learners learn every key muscle and bone one at the time. “Draw along with me, then draw from reference, then draw from memory, until you get it right” he always says.

This can be such an agonisingly slow process. Anyone who is impatient or want quick results will drop out of this course sooner or later.

But the more I learn, the more I realise that mastery of all the little details is what sets the pros apart from amateurs. Consider these scenarios:

Which parts of the skin needs shading or highlights when light shines from behind?

How will the arm look when the hands are raised above the head?

If the character is skinny, which bones “pop” out more?

The pros have little trouble figuring these out without references, because they know how bodies work. That’s why they can draw such life-like figures.

Mastering the micro skills, patience, perseverance, and consistent practice. What Neil imbued in me over time was a strong technical foundation necessary for turning pro. Not just for drawing, but applicable to learning so many other things.

A final note about mentors in general

A good mentor (virtual or not) is a rare and valuable find. Appreciate them!

But.

Don’t rely on your mentors too much. You may outgrow them over time. Or your mentors themselves change, and they become unable or unwilling to help as much as before.

That’s OK. It is serendipity that, out of the billions of people out there, your paths cross somehow. A spark was lit. With or without the mentor, it’s up to you to nurture that spark into a flame.

And maybe pay forward a bit of that light to someone else, further down the road.

Feeling stupid is part of the creative process. Embrace it.

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The creative process

A while ago, one of the members of The Cult of Copy Facebook group gave a hilarious account of his recent creative breakthrough:

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to bed defeated, frustrated and convinced I’m the worst copywriter in the multiverse. I spent 12 hours at my laptop yesterday laboring over copy for an EDDM postcard for my carpet cleaning business.

I wrote and re-wrote it so many times I could feel my grasp on reality slipping and I hallucinated that my 9-year-old daughter was Techno Viking.

Then I woke up this morning, slammed a Rockstar energy drink, plowed fresh snow off the driveway with my unstoppable Subaru-engine-powered Ariens snowblower and had an honest-to-god epiphany…
Stormed back inside, ripped my wet clothes off and threw them on the floor, and then, in nothing but my underwear, anger-typed some smokin’ hot sales copy that’s so “straight fire”, I’m at least marginally worried my laptop will collapse into some sort of black hole.

It never ceases to amaze me how stepping away from a project, how sleeping on ideas, almost always leads to a creative flourish.

WHOA!

I love that part about worrying that his laptop would implode into a black hole.

I love even more his point about how it takes plenty of labour and frustration for creativity to happen.

It’s true.

I, too, have gone to bed frustrated at my “incompetence” or worried that I “don’t have what it takes”. I touched on this emotional turmoil a bit in my blog post about my writing process. It’s the same with manga drawing, my other creative pursuit.

Sometimes, I don’t have any ideas or inspiration. A creative rut.

Other times, I have an idea, but when I try to bring it to life, I encounter all kinds of difficulties. What seems like a good idea in theory turns out to be difficult to implement. Or, a small but important detail does not occur to me until I start doing.

It’s not unusual for all of these to occur in the course of one project.

So, why do I bother with being creative anyway? Why subject myself to the inevitable pain? Heck, I’ve even made creativity one of the themes I will live by in 2018!

Because I realised that frustration, self-doubt, impatience, and other scary things are just part of the process. And they shall pass.

Because if I want to grow, I have no choice but to do. Consistently.

Because when I stick around long enough, trying, failing, and iterating, breakthroughs do happen that make everything worth it.

Once I accepted all these, I became more zen about the creative process.

In the meantime, there are many ways to nurture a creative mind. I’ve done all these and found them helpful:

  • Develop more than one creative pursuit. If you get stuck in one activity, switching to another can help jolt your creativity.
  • Read widely, deeply. All kinds of media, all kinds of subjects.
  • Make sure your reading list includes some fiction. Good fiction stirs the imagination and the soul.
  • Open your mind. To new ideas, experiences, and adventures.
  • Open your heart. To beauty, inspiration, and love.
  • Travel far and wide. Travel takes you out of your comfort zone and exposes you to new people, cultures, and perspectives.
  • Take care of your mental health. It’s hard to feel inspired or able to generate fresh ideas if you feel anxious or troubled.

But the most important thing to do, is to cut through the insecurities and show up every day. At least one pomodoro’s worth of work (25 minutes). That’s the only way to level up.

Remember:

“If you find yourself asking yourself (and your friends), “Am I really a writer? Am I really an artist?” chances are you are. The counterfeit innovator is wildly self-confident. The real one is scared to death.”
― Steven Pressfield, The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks & Win Your Inner Creative Battles

Feeling stupid is normal. Feeling like “the worst” is normal.

But keep going. Stay consistent. Somewhere down the road, there’s a creative breakthrough waiting to happen, and it will be magical.

Now go forth and create!

Why I have no goals for 2018, and what I will do instead

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My plans for 2018

I don’t do New Year resolutions in the traditional sense. That is, listing a bunch of goals that I want to accomplish by the end of the year, and then planning “a course of action”. Sounds reasonable in theory. BUT …

It feels like I’ve got a bunch of personal KPIs to hit before year end. “I want to lose 10kg by mid-year through regular exercise and low-fat diet”. “I want to study harder and improve my grades from 60% to 90% in order to graduate by end of 2018”. So corporate, so not fun!

Also, too fleeting. Many goals are achieved just once. Reach the goal, bask in the win for a while, then feel restless or unsatisfied. What, then? Find another goal to work towards?

That said, I’m not going to coast along 2018, without any clarity on where I want to be in twelve months. I don’t do goals, but I can do themes.

Themes are broad, conceptual. The focus is not so much on attaining certain results, but on living. What do I want to live by? What can I practise and embody in my everyday life?

This sounds more meaningful to me.

So, in 2018, I’ve decided to live by these themes …

1. Creativity

I want creativity to be one of my superpowers.

Anything is better with a touch of creativity. More unique, more memorable, more beautiful. I am also at one of my happiest when I have the freedom to create.

Many folks think that a creative streak is something you are born with. I say creativity is like a muscle; you can strengthen it through training and practice.

Since last year, I’ve been actively exercising my creativity. I try to write a little every day. I also resumed manga drawing after a three-year hiatus. I want to be a pro at both, so in 2018 I will dedicate at least half an hour to each pursuit per day. I want to read more fiction too, because good fiction stirs the imagination and soul.

Most important: continue to keep an open mind and dare to take on new challenges.

2. Selling

Participants of my first Instagram class and I
My workshop participants and I

 

So much of life is about selling well.

To turn a prospect into a customer is to sell. To “make friends and influence people” is to sell. To stand out from a sea of job applicants and get hired is to sell. Anytime we persuade someone to listen to us, or choose us, we sell.

I’ve picked up lots of marketing and sales techniques from my copywriting career. But it was the success of my first workshop that gave me the biggest confidence boost. Yes, I CAN sell!

In 2018, I want to get more serious on selling. Expect to see me post on social media with more consistency. I’ll be working on my negotiation prowess too (blog post on this coming up soon!). Also, get clear on what I want people to know me for.

3. Kindness and compassion

I’ve mentioned before that my biggest fear is fear of powerlessness.

This fear compelled me to mature and develop into a stronger person. But it also resulted in a siege mentality. I don’t trust easily, I fear being taken advantage of, and I am quieter than before. I cannot let people hurt me again!

I became worried that I was too inward-looking, and this was not healthy.

One day, it struck me that everyone is struggling or fearful in one way or another. Even some of the toughest and most stoic people I know.

What if, instead of being wary of others, I show more compassion and kindness? Life is hard, and we just want the best for ourselves and the people we love.

I admire those with an abundance mindset. Or those who love and give despite going through soul-crushing nastiness. I am not at those stages yet, so for now, I’ll keep reminding myself to be as kind and compassionate as I can to people I encounter.

And smile more.

4. Precession

The Alchemist
I recommend this book!

 

If you Googled “precession”, you will get a lot of information about rotational axes and rotating bodies.

That’s not what I mean here.

I’m going with Marshall Thurber’s definition. He said that as we chase our dreams, don’t forget to appreciate the blessings we receive along the way.

You know the main character in Paulo Coelho’s famous book, The Alchemist? He left behind a shepherd lifestyle in Spain and travelled to Egypt in search of buried treasure. Along the way, he made friends, fell in love, lost everything, reinvented himself, lost and gained a few more times, and got in touch with his heart.

SPOILER: at the end, he realised that everything he experienced during his epic journey was as valuable and worthwhile as the treasure he was looking for.

I want to be that dude.

5. Consistency

This is the theme that keeps the other four themes going.

In 2017, I started doing various new things.

This year and beyond, I want to be more consistent in practising the skills I picked up in 2017. No more doing something sporadically i.e. “when I have free time”. If it’s important to me, I’ll set aside some time every day to work on it.

The beauty of consistency is that all those little daily efforts compound over time to create massive positive change.

***
OK, I admit: I did not have five concrete themes in mind when I started this blog post.

I had some general idea about what I wanted, but clarity dawned upon me only after a few frustrating iterations of blog post. Writing does indeed help me think!

I’ll blog more about how I’m doing with these themes as the months go by. I can’t wait to see how it all pans out by the end of the year!